Sizzling Six?

The Fab Five, members of an alternative life-style makeover and life coach team on the Bravo television series Queer Eye for the Straight Guy are looking to recruit a sixth member to take on the role of Bernankular Speech Therapist.

Jai Rodriguez, the beauty guru for the group, commented on their search effort, “Our first choice was clearly Jay Thomas. But, we decided it may have been confusing since we already have a Jai in our group, and I spell my name the quirky queer spelling way and he clearly didn't." Thom Filicia continued the thought, “So, after nixing Jay, we then looked to his life partner, ‘Moli’ Thomas. Fun spelling, a Thomas, probably well versed in the Bernankular. Well, you’d imagine our shock and dismay to discover that as stylish as he may be, Jay is a breeder and Moli is, well, a female!” Kyan piped in, “So, what better way to meet some fresh new blood then throw a Bernankular Party! Ted will be making some fantastic crudités and hors devours and we will find our Bernankular man - somewhere out there is a Myke, Shaun, Jawn or a Billie waiting to board our ship!”

Carson was unable to attend the press conference, crushed at the new of Jay’s heterosexuality, and was last seen attempting kept trying to put a pink scarf on Jay while screaming, “but it’s Dolce and it’s cashmere!!!”

The Sizzling Six will be visiting homes everywhere in the spring.

Bernanke Speaks, 10-Yr Parties

The sound of silence waned yesterday as the soothing song of Big Ben Bernanke’s voice brought the Bernankular movement back to the forefront of our minds. Bernanke affirmed yesterday that if a “consensus” can be agreed upon, he will support a specific inflation target. Greenspeakers had planned a mass protest on Capital Hill but most potential demonstrators misinterpreted the garbled directions and instead various dinner parties, games of taboo and bocce ball tournaments were held in homes and public parks across the United States instead.

The 10-yr Note rallied on the news and could be seen binge drinking, receiving lap dances and getting indecent with trading assistants on floors across the globe. We caught up with one particularly active 10-yr while passing through the CBOT, “I told my yield to drop it like it’s hot. I am the curve! Bow before me!! KEG STANDS!!! RALLY ON!!!”

The 28 year drift between the 2-yr and the 30-yr has apparently flattened as they attempt to reconcile the difference that spread them apart in order to correct the hedonistic behavior of the unruly 10-yr, “if someone doesn’t stop this, our whole world will be inverted.”

Jay declared that yesterday was the first time something understandable was shown on C-Span.

Jay Thomas Quits Monkery

“No one told me I’d have to shave my head. I’m totally back. GO BERNANKULAR!”

Vidal will be picking Mr. Thomas up for an emergency make-over before he arrives back in the states.

Jay Thomas Takes Vow of Silence As Tibetan Monk

After finding zen away from the craziness that is the war between Greenspeak and Bernankular, Jay Thomas has decided to give up speaking altogether and join a silent order or Tibetan monks high in the hills of Dharamshala.

“I am a blank slate.”

Silence ensues…

Jay Thomas Seeks Solace in Tibet

After his harrowing abduction, Jay Thomas has decided to take a hiatus from the cause and find relief. He plans on doing 12 hours of tantric yoga a day, meditating heavily, eating only raw vegetables and cleansing himself from the poisonous toxins that have infested his mind. “My thoughts . . . so scrambled . . . Greenspeak . . . can’t . . . think.”

Companions and freedom fighters Matt Damon and Ben Affleck will be on hand to support him through this journey, “We know how fame can mess with your mind and I need to work on my tan so, hey, Tibet seems like fun. Is that where Leo went to film The Beach?” said Ben.

A flight attendant who served Mr. Thomas on route this morning told reporters, “I hope he finds his way, he really seems lost. I kept telling him, dude, you’re going to Bangcock – that’s in Thailand not Tibet and he just kept babbling about the road to enlightenment having pit stops and high fiving Ben and Matt.”

Neither Mr. Bernanke or Moli have commented.

Jay Thomas Found Alive... Incoherence Calls Movement Into Question

Bernankular supporters breathed a collective sign of relief today as word spread that Jay Thomas has been found alive. Jay was found this morning, wandering down the median of the New Jersey Turnpike near exit 7. He was picked up by an Entenmann's dessert delivery man making his morning rounds. The driver commented that Mr. Thomas condition was worrisome, "Jay seemed totally out of it. His Lacoste shirt was ripped and he kept muttering to himself incoherently, I couldn't understand a thing."

Bernankular followers are worried that Mr. Thomas has lost his ability to communicate clearly. Mr. Thomas will start remedial speech therapy immediately. Doctors are unsure if the cause of his communication problems are due to head trauma suffered during the abduction or a more worrisome form of Greenspeak brainwashing. The chief communication specialist stated that "If Mr. Thomas has indeed been brainwashed by his captors, it may take months of intensive therapy for him to recover his natural speech abilities. Even worse he may suffer from a form of Stockholm Syndrome, where he believes that his captors way of speech is the correct way of speech, in essence he may now be Greenspeak's biggest supporter. Only time will tell."

Still No Sign...

The Bernankular Brigade has panicked, as there is still no word regarding their fearless leader. Vigils are being organized in Astoria and Mumbia in support of Jay. The FBI has been leading the investigation and issued a statement declaring, “Jay Thomas is a valuable and important element of our society. The FBI recognizes this and is doing everything in their power to recover him safely.” Greenspeakers have declared themselves innocent of the abduction and insist that the correlation with increased bagel sales to be completely irrelevant.

Ambush! Radical Greenspeakers Abduct Jay Thomas!

The events that followed were relayed through various eyewitness sources and may be upsetting to small children and peace loving hippies.

Upon arrival on the Princeton campus, Jay Thomas and his league attempted to blend into their surroundings in order to not arouse suspicion, a challenge as the team had packed only three Lacoste Sweaters and a lone pair of khakis. “We’re not at Rutgers anymore,” cried Jay as he pulled the Green and Pink striped sweater with the highly recognizable insignia over his head and zipped up his Docker pants.” Sadly, these may have been the last words uttered by our stylish yet manly leader.

After climbing the ivy covered steps to the Economics department, Jay and his band traced what appeared to be a trail of sprinkles and toasted coconut crumbs to the office of Mr. Bernanke. Witnesses say Jay uttered a primal scream and pounded down the door only to find a new Greenspeak militia waiting for him. Chaos ensued as ‘Mean and Green’ began babbling at Jay incoherently. “I was so confused, I just couldn’t understand what they were saying,” remarked one witness who refused to be identified, “I just covered my ears and prayed to make it stop.”

We don’t have a clear picture of what happened next but when the incoherent babbling stopped, Jay Thomas was gone. Greenspeakers have not taken public responsibility but law enforcement officers are monitoring Fed websites for ransom information.

The Team Arrives

Twenty-four hours after they departed for New Jersey, a discombobulated Bernanke Brigade arrived at Princeton suffering only minor casualties along the way. "We decided, purely for the sake of Bernankularization, to see if Greenspeak was being used in the casinos, buffet lines and exotic dance clubs of Atlantic City. Gaming is big business in America and it needs to be free of contradictory Greenspeak dialogue."

The warriors appeared haggard, red-eyed and smelled slightly off. “Our finances are depleted, we’re thirsty, tired and hungry” said their fearless leader Jay Thomas as he emerged from the party van that parties no more. His clothing appeared to have been lost along the way as he wore only boxer shorts announcing that he had ‘Lost his [posterior] in AC’.

But Jay, evoking the likes of such past leaders as Cesar Chavez and Winston Churchill rose to the occasion and rallied his troops, “Now is the time to save Bernanke! Greenspeak is on the rise again! Men, women, poker-playing chimps – let’s go!”

Bernanke Brigade Begins

Mr. Thomas and his followers began organizing a march tonight from Astoria, Queens to Princeton, NJ tonight after the discovery earlier today of a desperate plea from what everyone assumes is a Bernanke cracking under the pressure and scrutiny of the rapid spread of his famed Bernankular.

"I think he's in trouble,"Jay sighed, "we have to save him."

Thomas and his legion planned on walking hand in hand from Queens to NJ in a show of solidarity behind their iconic formerly loquacious future Chairman but, "It's really far," Jay decided and so they rented a heavily armored, battle ready, stretch Escalade, complete with a mini-bar, satellite TV and hot tub. "The Jersey turnpike is rough, I want my team to be prepared and relaxed for what we might find once we get to Princeton."

The team expects to arrive in Jersey by 8pm depending on the traffic in Staten Island and barring any unforeseen ambushes and detours, particularly through the particularly treacherous Atlantic City.

Cease Fire Ends as FOMC Announces Rate Hike

During today's FOMC meeting, one of Greenspan's last as Chairman, things turned ugly in the Greenspeak-Bernankular vendetta. Shortly after the Chairman's announcement that interest rates were again raised .25%, Greenspeak fans rioted, overturning small potted plants across suburban towns, teasing puppies and raising their fists high in the air menacingly at young school children.

When asked what he thought about the Chairman's press release, Jay Thomas responded, " It all sounded exactly the same. I mean exactly. Apparently there is a comma in a different place but I can't tell man. Is inflation a problem or not? Just answer the question. My cheeseburgers are more expensive, and smaller, that is all I know."

Bernanke was again oddly silent on the pressing issues at hand. Mr. Thomas questioned his dedication to the cause, "Where's Bernanke when you need him most, speaking for the people? Come to think of it, has he ever spoken in public anyway?"

Shortly after Mr. Thomas’s outburst, an anonymous, chocolate frosted stained note arrived in the mail post-marked from Princeton, NJ tonight saying only, “Writer’s block . . . Jay, help.”

FT Article: Ben-Speak

Financial Times
Observer: Ben-speak
Published: November 1 2005 02:00 | Last updated: November 1 2005 02:00

"As Observer noted last week, one of the qualities that George W. Bush admired about Ben Bernanke was his use of "clear, simple language" to describe complex economic ideas.

It did not take Wall Street very long to come up with a term for the language used by the nominee to replace Alan Greenspan as chairman of the Federal Reserve. Morgan Stanley analysts David Greenlaw and Ted Wieseman have put forth the clever "Bernancular"."

Jay Thomas celebrated this staggering blow to Greenspeak until he noticed something wrong, "Dude, they spelled it wrong! And where's my name?"

Affleck-Damon Take on Harvard . . . Again

Dynamic duo and long-time companions Matt Damon and Ben Affleck once again took on Harvard University as they joined the Bernankular cause. A righteous Mr. Damon spoke, "First, we had to fight for a Living Wage . . .Now this!! Down with Greenspeak!"



Ben Affleck's activism has more personal roots as he was introduced to the cause first-hand from Jay Thomas as Mr. Thomas was his Krispy Kreme Crisis counselor in Fat Kids Anonymous, a 12 Step Self-Help Network for adults who were obese children and adolescents and who still suffer from Fat Child Syndrome ("FCS"). "One day, I had this entire box of donuts and cupcakes just staring at me and I called Jay for help and all he kept talking about was Ben-ankular this and Ben-ankular that, and I realized, yes, I do speak quite eloquently and deserve to have people speak like me. Have you seen Armageddon? Then I realized he was talking about some guy named Bernanke, but he saved me from eating 2 dozen donuts while crying like a baby, so I'll support his cause. Go Bernankular!"

Harvard refused to negotiate regarding Greenspeak but is considering offering counseling for FCS. Accordingly to the Center for Disease Control, FCS affects over 1 Million young adults through-out the industrialized nations.