Cease-Fire Declared as Both Camps Await FOMC Announcement

Both the Bernankular and Greenspeak camps declared a 24 hour cease-fire in the ugly battle of words, key stealing and occasional egg-tossing while both groups eagerly await the next FOMC announcement from Chairman Greenspan. Emotional Greenspeak activists are setting up midnight vigil camps and making s’mores on the Great Lawn in Washington tonight, “We have so few Greenspeak Fed announcements left!” one woman cried, “I want to be able to tell my grandchildren that I was here when it was all happening.”

Jay Thomas remains suspicious though, “I don’t trust these Greenspeak people. Let them eat their grahams crackers but I have a feeling covert missions are underway. I am relaxing with an 8 pound bag of candy corn and the next thing I know they’re sending ‘little people’ pretending to be children trick-or-treating to my house to shaving cream me while I’m in a sugar coma. It won’t work; I’m always watching.”

Bernankular team members worry about Mr. Thomas’s paranoia but have agreed to selectively screen potential trick-or-treaters at the Thomas home in Astoria tonight, profiling anyone dressed as key financial advisors or Harvard alumni.

Setback: Harvard Creates Greenspeak Department

In a staggering blow to the Bernankular movement this morning, Harvard University announced the creation of their first new language department in 300 years based on Greenspeak. Stewart Thornton Edwards Blockett III explained, "How are we to continue to uphold the fine traditions and hard-earned renown of this University if we are unable to confuse the general public into believing that we are intellectually superior with a highly developed discourse that may not be suited to one of average intellect. We pursue a superior form of communication as held up by the likes of Michel Foucault and Alan Greenspan. Greenspeak has been and will remain the official language of Harvard University." Amora Listic, student leader who had been advocating adding Bernankular to the core curriculum, responded to the news, "I'm so confused," she cried, "I feel so betrayed by Harvard."

Insiders cite the Princeton / Harvard rivalry as a source of the announcement concluding that the new Fed Chairman's association with Princeton University will hamper Harvard's embracing of the Bernankular.

Rutgers promptly established a Bernankular department with Jay Thomas as the honorary chair. Joint concentrators in Economics and Bernanukular automatically get a signed autographed pictured of Mr. Jay Thomas himself and may even get a melon if he has a good growing season.

Greenspeak Stalls Peace Talks

Diplomatic negotiations broke down today on Roosevelt Island when the leaders of the Pro-Greenspeak movement and Jay Thomas, founding father and revolutionary icon of the Bernankular movement, met during half-time of Mr. Thomas’s rugby play-offs. The notably tweed wearing leader of the Greenspeak movement, Mr. Thor Well, opened the floor with a convoluted oration full of mixed metaphors, contradictions, and non-definitive run-on sentences, and that was just the prologue. In stark contrast, the athletic and charismatic Mr. Thomas was busy greeting a crowd of fans who had come out to cheer until he suddenly took control of the scene. “Let’s make this short and sweet – Bernankular good. Greenspeak bad. Stop stealing my keys and stay away from the rug and my woman.” The crowd went wild chanting, “Jay Thomas Rocks! Jay Thomas Rocks!”

Further negations were halted as rugby play commenced. Several Greenspeak supporters were injured and required hospitalized as they took too long with their farewells on the field and were mowed over by the massive men commencing rugby play.

Behind the Scenes: Jay Thomas's Avian Flu Scare

Jay Thomas this morning, after a long day of rugby, sat down to a hearty breakfast of 5 pancakes, 6 slices of bacon, 4 pieces of toast, several slices of ham, three eggs easy-over and one slice of melon. "I didn't want to over-do it" Jay noted, "in the past, I would have slapped on some coffee and maybe some sausage links or those sweet little mini-muffins but I'm trying stay slim for the lady" Jay sat, patting his notably slimmer physique. However, much to Mr. Thomas's dismay, as he dipped his toast into the egg, runny, uncooked genetically questionable yolk ran out, "so much for avian bird flu" was all Jay whispered before digging in.

Researchers from Johns Hopkins Medical Center commented, "It's a gamble with animal viruses. Mr. Thomas's body could treat it as a live attenuated vaccine of sorts, developed an immune response to it which we could then harvest and he could, indeed, save the world. Or, his cells could mutate the virus into a human strain, alter it further into an airborne pathogen and kill us all in a matter of weeks. I hope he enjoyed his eggs."

Jay Thomas retorted, "Yum."

An Early Halloween Turns Ugly For Bernankular Leader

Several radical Greenspeak proponents in masks accosted Jay Thomas on his way out of Duane Reed today, leaving him physically unharmed but stealing several bags of chocolate Mr. Thomas planned on enjoying tonight while watching some bad TV. “It was horrible, man, there I was one minute all happy thinking about candy and the next minute two men dress like Ronald Regan and Marty Feldstein come out of no where and started yelling. I think they were trying to say trick or treat in Greenspeak or something. Starting a world-wide movement is brutal.”

It appears to be working though as Bernankular become the third official language of Canada today and has been added to classroom curriculums in Fiji.

"If you don't look good, Jay Thomas, I don't look good"

World renowned hair stylist Vidal Sassoon, one of the most influential hair stylists of the 1960’s and proprietor of many high fashion boutique’s worldwide announced today in a press conference that all proceeds going forward from his empire will be donated to the Bernankular movement. “I read about Mr. Thomas and his good hair day. A man of such genius should never have to suffer such indignities as being locked out of house and home by these, these Greenfellow people. What if it had started to rain? The wet look is so 1985. I will give all my money to this man who knows the power of hair. I will become his personal hair stylist. Mr. Thomas – you will have a perfect coif from now until the day I am cryogenically frozen along with my fellow fashion friends in the hopes of achieving everlasting life.”

Mr. Thomas celebrated by treating himself to a deep conditioning treatment while listening to some hair band music.

Science update: Bernankular may help extraterrestrial communication

Rutgers University, October 27th: Last year the major news in extraterrestrial communication was that inscribing information and physically sending it to some location in deep space was more energy-efficient than pulsing it out on radio waves. This year, the major advance is - Bernankular. This superior communication method will be used to translate the formerly convoluted and often contradictory speaking methods such as Greenspeak, standard English, Swahili and jive. "Decoding an unknown language is difficult enough," Dr. Bronson of MIT commented today in a meeting of minds at Rutgers University, where, incidentally, a 40 foot bronze nude statue of Jay Thomas is currently being erected in his honor, "but particularly so since we don't even know the neural pathways of potential alien life forms and the means by which they speak. They may communicate chemically via hormones. We just have no idea." A linguistic colleague Dr. Sharp took over the discussion, "Yes, and this Bernankular is so linguistically pure, it makes the process simpler, and give us a better shot at direct communication This is the best thing since Linear B!"

Jay Thomas synthesized the point by stating "Do you respond to gibberish? I don't.".

Greenspeak Fans Retaliate

Greenspeak devotees surrounded the Thomas household once again today apparently shaken by the swift adoption of the rival moniker, standing outside their Astoria apartment the anti-Bernankular leader shouted in defense of his leader... “The imminent declaration of Mr. Greenspan's commencement into retirement necessitates the need for future statements by the incumbent, and, linguistic stylings are bound to generate idiosyncrasies; however, the initial momentum of this tradition will remain the standard and a monument to his stature. Its substandard replacement , i.e., Bernankular, historical data has shown, may change current valuations and future trends but we will transition smoothly, secure with the knowledge that Greenspeak is the predominant..." The speech was interrupted as the crowd spied Jay through the window. The Greenspeak crowds broke into chaos chanting. . . DOWN WITH JAY THOMAS, DOWN WITH BERNANKULAR!!!!”

Jay Thomas and the leader of the pro-Greenspeak movement are scheduled for peace talks this weekend as Greenspeak supporters continue to assail Mr. Thomas. “I told them, look man, I can’t even understand your conundrums as you’re yelling at me. Speak in the Bernankular!!" Talks will be held on Roosevelt Island during half-time of Jay's rugby game. This leaves a solid 15 minutes for negotiations.

Mr. Bernanke was oddly unavailable for comment but rumor has it he was last seen at Princeton with a doughnut in one hand a bagel in the other shaking his head and muttering, “of course, the choice IS clear.”

Markets didn't know how to respond. Bernankular has been translated into 150 languages and Morse code to date."

Mmmmm doughnuts

Feeling a strange bond now to this Mr. Bernanke as the term Bernankular slowly replaces "the" as the most popular word in the English language, Jay Thomas decided today to start reading some of the Chairman-elects speeches and musings. In a speech Gov Bernanke gave at the Annual Meeting of the American Economic Association, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania January 7, 2005, he commented on his role in administration, "[sic] I served seven years as the chair of the Princeton economics department, where I had responsibility for major policy decisions such as whether to serve bagels or doughnuts at the department coffee hour."

Mr. Thomas shook his head, "Politics, man. It took him 7 years to decide between bagels or doughnuts? Isn't the choice clear? Mmmm, tasty doughnuts. I vote for jelly. Hold the Velveeta. And what's with all the coffee? Doughnuts and beer. Policies WILL be made. Next topic."

Mr. Thomas did however appreciate Mr. Bernanke's suggestion that all "that Fed governors should signal their commitment to public service by wearing Hawaiian shirts and Bermuda shorts". "Damn right," Jay could be heard to say, between bits of what appeared to be a Boston creme, "and no shoes."

Greenspeak fans lock Jay Thomas out of house and home!

Greenspan fans last night, clinging desperately to their retiring chairman's nickname, attempted to thwart the spread of the inevitably catchy and cool "Benankular" by locking Jay Thomas out of house and home, hoping he would slowly freeze in the icy 50 degree weather in Astoria, Queens. A chilly Mr. Thomas called his wife in a panic, once again proclaiming that they should not only move to Costa Rica to rid themselves of governmental mind-control key-forgetting interest-rate moving tools to the man such as the ones he had been subjected to, but for the 85 degree tropical breezes and tiki bars. "The man made me forget my keys, Moli, the man. It's time to go."


Bernankular has been used to date: 10,462,239 times and counting

Jay Thomas changes the world (and Webster's dictionary)

This morning, Jay Thomas, husband of Moli Thomas, and realtor extraordinaire (call him, he's got lots of lovely apartments, houses and more) coined the term "Bernankular" to replace the ever-so-popular Greenspeak as the chairman steps down and a new man stands ready to take his place on the throne.

Interest rates rallied on the news.

Housewife who?

Which Desperate Housewife is the favorite of our beloved Mr. Jay Thomas . . .

"The dead one"